May I be honest, me and cancer

This picture was me, eightish years ago.  It was the beginning of my cancer journey.  November 8th, 2006 was the day I was told I had stage 3 breast cancer.  For many mornings following, I awoke each day followed by tears.  I didn't know how to process it all.  This was new, unfamiliar ground.  Mastectomy, followed by chemo.  I refused radiation.  Biggest mistake I realize now, I did not follow through with the Estrogen Hormone therapy.  If you are one now contemplating to take the drug, my advice would be, please take it.  I don't think I would be where I am now, 2014 had I taken the therapy.  Who knows. 

I

Hair grows back.  And let me say this, having no hair, I felt more woman than ever before.  It's liberating! When my hair grew back, I had curls and loved them, thank you chemo. 

As I stated above, I didn't know how to process all that was in front of me.  But ya know, you go through the drill.  No one really tells you what is ahead.  Scans, needle after needle, more scans, chemo, more scans, you get the picture.  It became so overwhelming.  But you get through it and there is light at the end of the tunnel.  The hardest part I remember is finally surrendering to healing.  I just wanted to create in my studio.  I didn't want anything to hold me back.  But chemo did or my body did.  I still remember the day I gave myself permission to let go and heal.  It was a big deal.  At the time I was living in the most beautiful place on earth, the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains in a very rural area.  What an amazing place to release and allow God to feed me.  I had to stop in my tracts and religuish all and who I was, just to heal and to receive.

So I heal, or at least what I believed to be true.  Meanwhile my husband Ron, undergoes brain tumor surgery after surgery again with many complications.  Doctors, hospitals, and more hospital visits, more than I can count.  It drained me.  It drained Ron.  We loose everything, the beautiful home Ron built us.  We move to Arizona because family, loving brother of Ron, Joe, and his wife Liz, insist we come to Arizona so they can look after us.  We make the more. It's all in God's plan.  

Complications here in Arizona with Ron, with his brain.  He can no longer walk and becomes disable.  All this time I am his caretaker.  So much stress, oh my.  But then we get relief.  It's been a few years I believe that we have had relief of all the doctor hospital stuff.  So appreciated it, honestly and truly.  Calm is the best.  The mundane is the best.  But then there are battles within the battles of all of that.  Won't go there on that, but trust me. More like, where did my husband go?

So lets now forward to today, October 31st 2014 stage 4 as of June 2013.

Honestly, I am in a place again of unfamiliar.  Having a really hard time processing it all once again.  My oncologist for the last year or so just sent me off each time as if I just had a cold.  I had days where I couldn't walk and he just said it was something else.  In my gut I knew I had to find a new doctor which I did.  Being Breast Cancer Awareness month, I made myself make a brave move, and found a new Oncologist.  Thank God I did.  In just the last few weeks, so much was revealed to me that again I'm at that place of not knowing how to process it all.  My new doctor sits me down and reveals a new blood test I had, never given to me before.  She says, a 5 is really really bad.  You are a 22.  Okay, I sit there and think what does that mean.  I'm speechless.  She proceeds to tell me how bad the cancer has progressed into my bones and has become really aggressive, especially in my lower back and hips. It is in my femor bones, my ribs, etc. etc.  Many places.  Okay.  Then I find out it's in my skull.  Yikes.  Is it in my brain too?  Thankfully, it is not.  That freaked me out more than anything. 

Next step:  Radiation! 

I wish I could write all that I feel.  Trying to.  I am honestly sooooooooo sick of doctors, hospitals, needles, scans, tests, and really radiation???  Do I want to do this?  I'm not sure.  I have so many sweet and loving friends.  Some conviced I will live to 100 and some already have me dead and burried. 

HOW DO I PROCESS ALL OF THIS???  That's the battle I am having to be honest.  So many say I'm so strong.  Am I?  I know when I am weak God is strong.  If I didnt' have my Lord Jesus Christ I could not go on sanely, I know that.  But I'm human, stuck in this body, with emotions.  I don't know what I want to do.  Do I go through the scans, the injections, the infussions, the radition or have I had enough?  This is where I'm at.  I feel if I don't, I'm letting so many down.  But I have to do what is best for me, right???  I sort of feel done, and even over-done.  I'm kind of weary, not so strong.  It's not that I want to give up, but maybe.  Done a lot with all the health stuff between me and Ron.  I look at eternal life as glorious.  Why wouldn't I let go and go there?  Guess I want others to give me their permission to let me go.   And yet there is a part of me that wants to fight.  I'm conflicted.  Please pray for me, for Ron and my beloved family and dearest friends. This is so hard.  Wish it wasn't.  So want to just paint.  Maybe that's what I need to do.

Comments

[Lorraine Watson]

Dear Joanna ,

I have just found out about your cancer returning . You are one of the bravest and courageous people i know . You have kept going when others may of given up .You are a true inspiration . You are giving and loving in so many ways . I have your art work all over my house . Remember the 3 canvases with the dolls dresses on , i fell in love and just had to have them . I also remember on several occasions that you telephoned me in England , i'm going back a few years now . You even named a collage sheet after Hollie my daughter . A lot has happened in my life since then .
And even more in your life . The one thing i will always treasure is that i am very privileged to call you my friend . Sending you and Ron and the family all my prayers whichever road you take next it will not be the end . I hope you are not suffering too much pain .
Love to you Joanna , big hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lorraine from England

[Wanda Eash]

Joanna: You have been a regular source of inspiration to me. Your positive spirit shines through all you have endured. You are an amazing woman. I wish you love and peace.

[Patricia]

I stumbled across your beautiful artwork through Facebook, and found my way here to your blog. I send you blessings of peace, health, and healing - if that is what you want, and my prayers for strength for you and your husband in whatever decision you make <3 Namaste

[judy]

Prayers for you. God bless.

[Terri Gordon]

Dear Joanna, I read your post a week ago and I just can't get it off my mind, I don't know what to say to you, I am so sorry that you have had to go through what you are going through, it breaks my heart. You are in my thoughts and prayers and also Ron. I want you to know that you are such an amazing person and you are such an inspiration to me, your art is so amazing, I am hoping that you can continue with your art as you heal. Know that I am praying for you and Ron. Hugs, Terri

[Ellen]

My heart hurts reading your words! I am sending you healing light and my prayers! Do paint, do what you can when you can...I believe you will be alright! You are a fighter...paint, please paint a healing light~

I am happy to know you, take a class with you and I hope and pray you will listen to your heART! @>--------------

[jen]

Dear Joanna, you are such an honest and strong person as well as an amazing artist.....you have had such a long road dealing with yours and Rons health.....please check out some alternative therapies particularly Gerson.....Cancer is beatable...sending hugs and love .....

[anita]

This breaks my heart...I think our first response is to think about how it would feel to be going through this. Life is beautiful and difficult and everything in between. But we love living on this planet in these fragile bodies. I will pray for you to have the peace that passes all understanding. I have a friend who went through all of the cancer treatments over 15 years ago and her cancer returned and spread throughout her body...they treated her again but gave her few months to live. She went to the Hippocrates Health institute and the cancer went away with juicing and other natural therapies. Now she has devoted her life to helping people heal through nutrition. Just putting that out there.
I have been so inspired by your work and have loved taking your online courses. I feel like I know you and don't want you to go but if you do I will be looking for you in heaven when I get there...or I may be there first. I mean we just don't know...but we do know it will be glorious beyond what we can ever imagine... I have so much gratitude that I found you here on the web for these many years. I still dream of taking a class from you in person. Thank-you for all you've given to me and so many others. Love and prayers for healing...

[Lynn]

Oh. My. God. Prayer. Definitely. Love...

[Janice]

Dear Sweet Lady, I too was stage 3 breast cancer 8 years ago and have felt something wasn't right lately so went to my oncologist, who proceeded to order a PET Scan and an MRI and found that the cancer has not returned. When I read your post, my eyes welled up with tears. I understand what you went through once with your own health (without the added stress of a husband with failing health). I will hold you and your family in prayer as you process your upcoming journey. God Bless You abundantly. Lots of love & hugs, Janice

[socrates]

You are so strong and also so frail. You are only human. This is your human experience. No one can tell you what to do or not do. No one knows deeply what you're going through. You are a role model and an inspiration. Your choices are yours only to make. We your friends, cheer you on the sideline, and love what no matter what. You are LOVE and love is all there is. And nothing else. May you find peace in this journey.

[Tammie Moore]

So touched by your story. Having gone thru the cancer with my grandmother and mother over and over again I know how painful and draining it is.. I am definetly praying for you and your husband.. With Jesus as your savior lean on him and he will always be your stregnth... God Bless, Creatively Tammie Moore

[Dorthe]

I`m sorry I misunderstood you, my dear, I understand, you did not wanted that possible reaction from the radiation!!
I dearly hope your new hormone shoots will make a difference, -and soo wish for you to be able to live some time in piece and quiet, my darling friend !!
Sunday hugs and love,
Dorthe

[Carol deSousa]

Dear Joanna...
First I am sorry that you have had so many trials in your life! Having been given the news about how far your cancer has progressed must have been devastating. Now having to make decisions again about what treatments to do or not must be overwhelming to you, I cannot imagine how hard it must be. Only because you asked will I give my opinion...If it was me first, I would get very quiet with God and seek Him for wisdom and understanding on what course I should take and the peace and strength to carry it out. I think for me, if the prognosis was only that for all the awful treatment you would live a few months longer, I would choose not to take any treatment and to live life doing my art and enjoying my family and life itself to the fullest I could until the day Christ called me home. I know some people will say that I should never say this and I'm certainly NOT telling you to give up hope for healing, I'm not! But I was an oncology nurse and I know the terrible life you live with chemo, radiation, shots, etc!! And to live only to hang your head into a bucket or lay in a bed without strength is NOT living! At least for me I would want to be able to do what I loved to do for as long as possible. We all will have to face our immorality one day and as you know this time the grass really will be greener on the other side! God bless you Joanna as you make some tough decisions over the next few weeks! I will be praying for God to lead you and give you wisdom, comfort and Peace! <3

[Diana Polly]

My Dear Sweet JoannA, I so wish I could come up with a magic potion, or even wise, comforting words to say. You have been such an inspiration to me for many years and I love you dearly. All I can offer you is my heart felt prayers. Whatever decision you make is between you and God. Just know that so many people out here in blog land love you. You have touched so many of us with your journey. Sending you hugs, prayers and yes, my tears. I feel your pain. Just know that this world is NOT our home and one day your battle will be over and our Father will look at you and say "well done my child"
With sincere love,

Diana

[Diane]

I hope you know what an inspiration you are to me and I'm sure many others. Your journey is your own and you must feel so lost at times. I'm so thankful the Lord holds such a big place in your life. I remember reading one time that when the way gets so dark and rough and you can't see the next step to take, He will light the way for you, footstep by footstep. I pray for you and I hurt for you and I wish that just the love that pours out to you on these comments were enough to mend your life back to wholeness. God bless you, Joanna. I love you. Diane

[Pam Herman]

Dear Joanna, I think you should take the treatments because you are confused as to whether or not you should. If you don't try, how will you ever know if you made the right choice? Then, if you get into the treatments and don't want to continue, you will know for sure then. I know you feel tired and weak but your posts sound to me like your will to survive is strong. I will continue praying for you and Ron. Love from Pam in ohio.

[katey duck]

"Lately, I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me, I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor the warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies that lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor the warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor, deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor the warrior is a child"

Warrior is a child by Twila Paris

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uRNFf3ykQvM

[Joanna Pierotti]

Thank you all so much for your honest and comforting heartfelt words to me. Means so much. I cried as I have read each comment here and on my Facebook post linked to this. You give me courage and strength for today.

Dorthe, it wasn't the radiation I regret not doing, as I am pleased I did not back then due to my Lymphadema. Could have made a real mess. What I regret is not taking the hormone therapy. At the time it made me very suicidal and yet was never offered a different drug at the time. I refused to feel that way on a daily basis. I have been on one for the last year and it stopped working. Now I get two shots every two weeks. It will take three months to know if it is working. Chemo will be an option if everything else doesn't work. Honestly, I just want a peaceful quiet life without all of this. Time will tell as I learn more and see how it goes.

Again, thank you all for listening. xooxox

[Manu]

I have been sitting quietly in front of your blog post for a while... Searching for words that will carry you on through their meaning and depths...
But the fact is, you yourself must find the path in yourself. We all try to easen your burden with prayers, positive energy... Even though we are strangers, you just have to feel the strong sympathy you create in us. You are a strong person to reach out to so many of us... This strength will have to guide your way! It is deep inside you. A strength, also to judge for yourself, how much more you can accept and tolerate. You do not need permission from others, it is your own journey. You did what you could! And you still do... Fight,if you have the strenght one day, and rest calm, if you are tired the next. Follow your own instinct, though it might change from one day to the other... Let go of the feeling to be responsible for others. You have to concentrate on yourself now.
I wish so much that your path will lead into a tender settledness, a feeling of piece and harmony, a surrender to nature's strength, a painless haven...
Oh my... all these words... So theoretical.. And there you are full of anxiety and fear...
Dearest Jo, I wish the best for you and your husband and I embrace you will all my energy (even though we are strangers...)
You will do the right thing!
Manu

[Nanouanne]

Hi JoAnnA
I read all through your message and I thought that I could not help you, but that it would not be kind at all to walk out leaving not a word! Nobody can answer your question...You know that, but you wanted to share, thank you for your confidence here. If one thing, I would say 'think God, love, family and friendship' (you already proved to be a master at this)and the answer will come from the inner part of you.
Some prayers will be sent from France.

[sandybelt]

The Lord will guide you..pray for Him to give you wisdom..praying for a miracle!

[jean moore]

Your journey brings me to tears, I have daily pain and the market crash kicked us in the butt, but I have nothing to complain about. Jo, your family is a living example for all that's wrong in our medical profession and healthcare system. I makes me angry and I want to find that (old) doctor and picket the office! On the loving side of things, you have many people fighting silently with you. Please wake each day and let the sun enter your heart and warm your soul. Very best wishes for good days.

[gail]

Jo, you do not need permission from anyone when it concerns you live, your heart, your soul. You need to follow your path. At this stage in your life, with what you are facing it is no longer about anyone but you. It may sound selfish to some but if not now...when? God has you.
xxoo
Gail

[Sandy]

May the Lord bless and keep you, may his face shine upon you, may he grant you wisdom, may he grant you peace. Holding you in my prayers.

[Carol]

Joanna, you don't need anyone's permission to do what is right for you. None of us have the answer. We can only support and encourage you along the way. You are strong in ways you might not understand. Being able to write these words takes strength, courage and clarity. Just know that you are loved and have touched so many hearts with your art, spirit and kindness!

[Kristine Miller]

I don't know why we have crossed paths again but I remember you as a dear sweet person even though you seemed to have a lot on your plate at the time we did bible study together at Calvary. I too found the journey of breast cancer in 2006. Go to that studio. That's where your heart is. Praying for you and your difficult decisions. Kris Miller

[Nancy Palmer]

Joanna, I have never met you but have followed your posts and art-making since before 2006. I found your art inspiring and enjoyed reading your posts. I was so upset to read of your diagnosis in 2006. You will know the right thing to do. You have a lot going on now and I'm sure your thoughts are spinning. Painting may help you clear your thoughts to know what you should do. But, it is YOUR decision. Positive thoughts coming your way.

[Mosaic Magpie]

I think we all have thought about what we would do if faced with a decision such as yours. Or at least those of us with past histories of cancer, have had those thoughts. We think we would not want to spend what time we have left so sick from chemo that we would not be able to enjoy anything. But, I think radiation is different...without the nausea and other wicked side effects of chemo. I can understand you feeling you are tired and ready to let go....part of that comes from all the overwhelming information you have been given and part of it from the heaviness of pain you are in. It is not an easy decision to make and not an easy answer for us to give you. You writing it down in your blog post was a good first step in making sense of everything. Your answer will come...somewhere along the way you will know what to do and until then, you have to trust in your doctor and the advice they give you. Thank goodness you found a new doctor and they are willing to take time to discuss your issues. I will be praying for you and like Dorthe, will carry you in my heart.
Deb

[Bridget]

You have walked you path with strength and courage and have inspired many with your story and with the beautiful art you create! Jesus is with you and in you - and will be with you no matter what decision you make. Lifting you up in prayer.

[Kim Collister]

No one can walk in another's shoes, but if you want to paint, then you should paint. It may be the release that you need to express the feelings that you can't comprehend. I would paint and give my body permission to let God take over and guide you in your healing and in your treatment. I will keep you in my prayers. If you go through the treatment, God will go with you. In our limited understanding, he never fails us.
Give yourself release by giving it all to him, but don't give up! He will give you the strength you need. Hugs and love,

[Sally Smith]

In 2006 I was just starting interest in mixed media and you gave me inspiration to try it. I love you work. I was devastated when I found you had cancer and started praying for you. I followed your blog with prayer every time I read. I hoped the best for you. Since fb I've followed your journey and prayed for you and Ron. You have had rough lifes yet you have kept your art positive and it seems to have been the catalyst for your healing. Don't give up, Joanna. I'm going to keep praying that God will show you a clear path for you and Ron. You are in God's plan as a witness for Him and you're a good one. Though I haven't met you, I love you. Keep on, keeping on.

[fay beech]

Joanna I remember reading every word you wrote back then. Girlfriend, only you know the answer as to what to do. All I can say is that I watched my sister go through something similar. Grasping onto every straw that was offered to no avail. There comes a point I think when you just say 'enough'. She did. She wasted so much time away from her family, a new little granddaughter that she could have spent time with but her time was all spent in hospital going through treatments that were just awful. Finally she said "no more". I do not know your answer, only you know. You have to do what is right for you. Sit down with your doc and get the scoop on what lies ahead. In the meantime paint your heart out. Peace to you

[Jodi]

Joanna, I just wish I could hug you and tell you it all will go away in an instant. I don't know what to say other than you have been heard, we are listening to you and hopefully by you just opening up to all of your feelings, that somehow helps you process your thoughts about all that is going on in your life. Keep praying for guidance, and your answer will appear. In the meantime, know you are loved.
xoxo Jodi

[Rachel Thomas]

I embrace you with all my love and care. I wish you gentleness. I wish you peace of mind. Any choices you take will be the best ones because they will be yours. This is about you more than it is about any other person or people. I appreciate so very much, you sharing your thoughts here with us. How beautifully raw your writing is, how delicately fragile is your honesty. How loved you are. As long as we share the earth together I am enjoying knowing you, and I'm connected to you. Again, wishing you gentleness.

[Dorthe]

Dearest Joanna,
I wish I could write you words of wisdom and knowlage , to give you something usefull!! and wonder if you have discussed your thoughts with your new oncologist ,- and if so, what is her oppinion .
I fastens me by some of your first words, in this post : " I refused radiation. Biggest mistake I realize now, " knowing you are not at that same place now,- still, all I can think is, that as long you are not totally convinsed ,you are not able to carry more ...you should start the treatment !!
I love you and carry you in my heart !!
Your Dorthe

[Terri Brush]

I remember following you way back when your story
Started ! It's painful to read , can't even imagine
How hard it must be ! It's certainly unfair. I hope
You find the strength to live, your such an inspiration
To all of us ! Love you sweet Joanna! Now go paint!!

[Dawn Gold]

I have not walked in your shoes, I don't know what to say apart from listen to you, you know what is best for you

Love, hugs and prayers

[Renee troy]

I'm so much feeling for you my friend. I just wish I had words to help you. I wish I could make it all go away and give you perfect health. Unfortunately, the decisions you face are yours alone. Seek God for the answers. If there is anything I can do to help you, don't hesitate to ask. If it's in my power it's yours. You're in my thoughts and prayers every day and I send loving energy your way. If you need to vent, I'm here to listen.
I love you. Renee

[sandi follette]

Be well friend...you walk in places I have not been

[Teri Flemal]

your bravery is in doing just what you did today--expressing honestly what you're feeling. So hard for many of us to do that. Yes, you must explore and then decide what is right for you. Not for anyone else. My questions would be-- will radiation cure me? Or just give me a little more time. And how will it affect my quality of life? Then you'll know whether this is a battle you want to fight. I admire your approach to life so much, Joanna. I am praying for you to receive enlightenment and peace of mind. xo

[Denise]

Sweet Mossy Girl.. Maybe after you start the treatment protocol.. the answer will come to your heart.. and you will know what to do then.. meanwhile.. you have angels all around you.. helping you stay as strong as possible.. gently guiding you.. know that you are so very loved.. xoxo